DisMay

The weather is 46° with a chance of fuck off are you serious

As far as humans go babe is reserved for significant others. Most animals are also babe. Additionally my dog now…

Everyone: How’s adult life going? Me: I just vacuumed up a sock

The majority of people have a funny reaction when I talk about getting a tailored suit. My favorite are the…

Overdrawn

Promises: the credit line of the heart to lean to take out a loan revision, digression Picking penny pieces off…

My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, do you have a permit for that? And…

Friends on Facebook be like: “Bought a house!” “Had a kid!” “Investment banking!” And I’m like: “At ten am I…

I’m pansexual. No it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to pans. Okay maybe a little.

Literally anything: Here’s some advice

A kid I supervise said one of the best things. “Eat poop on fire?” #neverforget

“That’s not a real gender.” “You’re not a real gender.”

When your best friend from middle school admits his undying love for you on your birthday-anniversary of your dead cat…

An isopholies triangle and the conservation of mass walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke I’m just free associating.

Society: You can either be a boy or a girl Me: I’m going to wear this bubble wrap as a…

Fuck me right?

Open My Mouth Like

“What the fuck are you talking about?” “I don’t know. This just a thing that happens sometimes.”

“God refuses to shit in his box” #catnames

I used to have to walk ten miles up hill to tell this story

A Street Car named Desire

My stance on bathing: “Two baths a day isn’t excessive is it?” to “Bathing isn’t a problem until someone talks…

Finding doctors like:

Me: What is your specialty Me: Okay that is also wrong with me Me: Please fix One doctor down, two…

“How am I being passive aggressive?” She asked passive aggressively.

February

I’ve cut my hair twice with scissors. Once when I was five, and once when I was twenty three. The…

Pilot

Folding origami roses barefoot in a chair that doesn’t let my heels touch the floor – isn’t really how I…