Polymath: I want the thing Polymath *if socially acceptable*: Hey everyone I want the thing Polymath *if applicable*: You’re not…

Concerned Family member: Please keep your anxious lover away from medication Polymath: Wait, how do I say this nicely, no

Dog: It’s three am and I smell like swamp and dead things Dog: Let me on your bed Dog -uncontrollable…

Again

“Will you be mine Dear Will you be mine?” Sexual facade. The inception of life can be essentially worthless –…

Destroy your emotions and achieve your final form. #deadbody #thisoneisnotmine #whydoyouhaveadeadbody #askedyoufirst

Brain: Want to think meloncoly thoughts about your ex? Nope. I’m gonna take a walk Brain: Last nights dream. About…

Stickers

Me: Maybe you don’t have to put this sticker on anything Myself: I’m putting this sticker on the floor Me:What…

Everyone: So how’s life going? Me: I just vaccumed up a sock Everyone: Again? Me: Yeah. But it was my…

Sometimes I just want to lock everyone I know in a room and say: “Read these books, and those series.…

How do you spell hffffffffffffycydtc jfdtffjjjjfrhdtsington?

“What did you have for breakfast?” “A bowl of squash.” “Seriously?” “Would I lie to you?” “Yes.” “Correct. Still, had…

Internal Monologues

Child: If I walk with this pizza crust out dogs will follow me around Me: Same Follow up: I just described…

DisMay

The weather is 46° with a chance of fuck off are you serious

As far as humans go babe is reserved for significant others. Most animals are also babe. Additionally my dog now…

Everyone: How’s adult life going? Me: I just vacuumed up a sock

The majority of people have a funny reaction when I talk about getting a tailored suit. My favorite are the…

Overdrawn

Promises: the credit line of the heart to lean to take out a loan revision, digression Picking penny pieces off…

My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, do you have a permit for that? And…

Friends on Facebook be like: “Bought a house!” “Had a kid!” “Investment banking!” And I’m like: “At ten am I…

I’m pansexual. No it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to pans. Okay maybe a little.

Literally anything: Here’s some advice

A kid I supervise said one of the best things. “Eat poop on fire?” #neverforget

“That’s not a real gender.” “You’re not a real gender.”

When your best friend from middle school admits his undying love for you on your birthday-anniversary of your dead cat…

An isopholies triangle and the conservation of mass walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke I’m just free associating.

Society: You can either be a boy or a girl Me: I’m going to wear this bubble wrap as a…

Fuck me right?

Open My Mouth Like

“What the fuck are you talking about?” “I don’t know. This just a thing that happens sometimes.”

“God refuses to shit in his box” #catnames

I used to have to walk ten miles up hill to tell this story

A Street Car named Desire

My stance on bathing: “Two baths a day isn’t excessive is it?” to “Bathing isn’t a problem until someone talks…

Finding doctors like:

Me: What is your specialty Me: Okay that is also wrong with me Me: Please fix One doctor down, two…

“How am I being passive aggressive?” She asked passive aggressively.

February

I’ve cut my hair twice with scissors. Once when I was five, and once when I was twenty three. The…

Pilot

Folding origami roses barefoot in a chair that doesn’t let my heels touch the floor – isn’t really how I…