I’ve got a heart on the right side babe. No I’m kidding it’s on the left. Advertisements

“Whelp, better sell this cow before it runs out of milk,” said the cow. “I won’t buy you,” said the…

Me: Since I hate myself, might as well start doing insanity again.

Everyone’s like hey did you get a new pet? And I gotta be like, no I just like pictures of cats.

Father:…Between getting your period, being about to get your period I only get four days of sanity from you. C.A.R.S.K…

Sorry homeless Portland dude – I don’t go with hippies to second locations. #lifelessons #30rock

​Love like god is a favorite dream. Write it down. Throw it out. Drink the ink. Look forward to when…

Wedged myself between a row of trees and a chain length fence so I can cry in private. Tomorrow I…

On why I don’t believe in sleeping with people in closed relationships: Someone has loved them enough to say, “You.…

The last few petals of the flower plucked by an unquestioning hand

This is a Sign

Signs that You’re Probably Not over Your Ex You’ve cried about it recently You wake up dressed in a Kimono There’s…

You know your anti depressants may not be working when: You refuse to let yourself listen to Sarah Mclachlan  on…

This is Related

This is related. This is unrelated. This is a banana. What category does banana fit into? Unrelated.

The dog has successfully chewed all of my high heeled shoes. Except he’d probably call them “foot clothes,” and now…

Stranger: So what made you want to take up biking? Me: I wasn’t catching enough Pokémon on foot. Stranger: What…

A Night to Remember

At work a child tries to feed me a “poopsicle.” I accepted a ride from a friend’s brother and eat…

Excerpt: Night Walk

I had an interesting conversation with my boss. I asked him what his seventh deadly sin would be, the worst…

Polymath: I want the thing Polymath *if socially acceptable*: Hey everyone I want the thing Polymath *if applicable*: You’re not…

Concerned Family member: Please keep your anxious lover away from medication Polymath: Wait, how do I say this nicely, no

Dog: It’s three am and I smell like swamp and dead things Dog: Let me on your bed Dog -uncontrollable…

Again

“Will you be mine Dear Will you be mine?” Sexual facade. The inception of life can be essentially worthless –…

Destroy your emotions and achieve your final form. #deadbody #thisoneisnotmine #whydoyouhaveadeadbody #askedyoufirst

Brain: Want to think meloncoly thoughts about your ex? Nope. I’m gonna take a walk Brain: Last nights dream. About…

Stickers

Me: Maybe you don’t have to put this sticker on anything Myself: I’m putting this sticker on the floor Me:What…

Everyone: So how’s life going? Me: I just vaccumed up a sock Everyone: Again? Me: Yeah. But it was my…

Sometimes I just want to lock everyone I know in a room and say: “Read these books, and those series.…

How do you spell hffffffffffffycydtc jfdtffjjjjfrhdtsington?

“What did you have for breakfast?” “A bowl of squash.” “Seriously?” “Would I lie to you?” “Yes.” “Correct. Still, had…

Internal Monologues

Child: If I walk with this pizza crust out dogs will follow me around Me: Same Follow up: I just described…

DisMay

The weather is 46° with a chance of fuck off are you serious

As far as humans go babe is reserved for significant others. Most animals are also babe. Additionally my dog now…

Everyone: How’s adult life going? Me: I just vacuumed up a sock

The majority of people have a funny reaction when I talk about getting a tailored suit. My favorite are the…

Overdrawn

Promises: the credit line of the heart to lean to take out a loan revision, digression Picking penny pieces off…

My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, do you have a permit for that? And…

Friends on Facebook be like: “Bought a house!” “Had a kid!” “Investment banking!” And I’m like: “At ten am I…

I’m pansexual. No it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to pans. Okay maybe a little.

Literally anything: Here’s some advice

A kid I supervise said one of the best things. “Eat poop on fire?” #neverforget

“That’s not a real gender.” “You’re not a real gender.”

When your best friend from middle school admits his undying love for you on your birthday-anniversary of your dead cat…

An isopholies triangle and the conservation of mass walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke I’m just free associating.

Society: You can either be a boy or a girl Me: I’m going to wear this bubble wrap as a…

Fuck me right?

Open My Mouth Like

“What the fuck are you talking about?” “I don’t know. This just a thing that happens sometimes.”

“God refuses to shit in his box” #catnames

I used to have to walk ten miles up hill to tell this story

A Street Car named Desire

My stance on bathing: “Two baths a day isn’t excessive is it?” to “Bathing isn’t a problem until someone talks…

Finding doctors like:

Me: What is your specialty Me: Okay that is also wrong with me Me: Please fix One doctor down, two…

“How am I being passive aggressive?” She asked passive aggressively.

February

I’ve cut my hair twice with scissors. Once when I was five, and once when I was twenty three. The…

Pilot

Folding origami roses barefoot in a chair that doesn’t let my heels touch the floor – isn’t really how I…