Fishes, fishes

“I’ve an old wives tales” “Yes that’s very good but you see I’ve got a young wife.” Advertisements

I’ll take the high road for 500.

*makes a new friend who steals stuff* Polymath: This is fine.

*gets overwhelmed by trying to order chinese food* *starts to cry*

He wouldn’t like it if you could summarize him in a sentence.

There is some inconclusive evidence that I have been known to wear pants.

*takes anti-anxiety meds* *Time* *Starts crying* Sigh. Right. This is how this works.

Can Trump and Putin just bang already?

*spotify starts to play metal* Why do I feel like I’m standing in Hot Topic

5:49 am Me to body: WHAT DO YOU WANT Body: Omg. We’ve been over this. 

5:49 am Me to body: WHAT DO YOU WANT Body: Omg. We’ve been over this. 

Humanity: How are you? Me: I watched a ten year old take a shit, and Monsters inc

Body: Wake up Me:…zzzzzt Body: Wake up Me: what Body: No more sleep Me: Jesus is it four am Body: … More

Reason Seven

  “Where does your heart want to call home?” Ugh. Now I have to go to Europe and chase a … More

If you’re me you probably spend a lot of time worrying and feeling depressed and anxious. But hey at least you will … More

It’s not the yellows of September  which color me or the blue coattails of a rusty dusk but that the … More

In the past I have been able to kind disappear out of people’s lives without making it seem personal. I … More

Love note

Kitty kitty kitty can’t you see Sometimes your eyes just hypnotise me And I just love your kitty ways Toxoplasmosis … More

I find it quite comforting to know I am trapped in a linear progression.

I’m afraid where I live has failed the “safe for women who don’t want to be approached in public spaces … More

“Whelp, better sell this cow before it runs out of milk,” said the cow. “I won’t buy you,” said the … More

Sorry homeless Portland dude – I don’t go with hippies to second locations. #lifelessons #30rock

​Love like god is a favorite dream. Write it down. Throw it out. Drink the ink. Look forward to when … More

Wedged myself between a row of trees and a chain length fence so I can cry in private. Tomorrow I … More

You know your anti depressants may not be working when: You refuse to let yourself listen to Sarah Mclachlan  on … More

Stranger: So what made you want to take up biking? Me: I wasn’t catching enough Pokémon on foot. Stranger: What … More

Polymath: I want the thing Polymath *if socially acceptable*: Hey everyone I want the thing Polymath *if applicable*: You’re not … More

Destroy your emotions and achieve your final form. #deadbody #thisoneisnotmine #whydoyouhaveadeadbody #askedyoufirst

Brain: Want to think meloncoly thoughts about your ex? Nope. I’m gonna take a walk Brain: Last nights dream. About … More


Me: Maybe you don’t have to put this sticker on anything Myself: I’m putting this sticker on the floor Me:What … More

Sometimes I just want to lock everyone I know in a room and say: “Read these books, and those series. … More

Internal Monologues

Child: If I walk with this pizza crust out dogs will follow me around Me: Same Follow up: I just described … More


The weather is 46° with a chance of fuck off are you serious

As far as humans go babe is reserved for significant others. Most animals are also babe. Additionally my dog now … More

The majority of people have a funny reaction when I talk about getting a tailored suit. My favorite are the … More

A kid I supervise said one of the best things. “Eat poop on fire?” #neverforget

“God refuses to shit in his box” #catnames