“Do you even third person bro?,” They said. “Ustedes.” Advertisements

“You’re impossible.” “Was that not throughly established?”

Strong Women go “GRRrawr”


Saw Neil Gaiman tonight! Cried on the train. I am on the train. Two notes. Neil Gaiman says “Write to … More

I’ll be the one in the green hoodie in the closet. 

“May I see your ID ma’am?” *makes dial up connection noise* “You know what nevermind.”  

People would beat my ass if they found out how I was living. In a very small room with a bed … More

“Whelp, better sell this cow before it runs out of milk,” said the cow. “I won’t buy you,” said the … More

Everyone’s like hey did you get a new pet? And I gotta be like, no I just like pictures of cats.

This is Related

This is related. This is unrelated. This is a banana. What category does banana fit into? Unrelated.

A Night to Remember

At work a child tries to feed me a “poopsicle.” I accepted a ride from a friend’s brother and eat … More

Excerpt: Night Walk

I had an interesting conversation with my boss. I asked him what his seventh deadly sin would be, the worst … More

Concerned Family member: Please keep your anxious lover away from medication Polymath: Wait, how do I say this nicely, no


“Will you be mine Dear Will you be mine?” Sexual facade. The inception of life can be essentially worthless – … More

Everyone: So how’s life going? Me: I just vaccumed up a sock Everyone: Again? Me: Yeah. But it was my … More

“What did you have for breakfast?” “A bowl of squash.” “Seriously?” “Would I lie to you?” “Yes.” “Correct. Still, had … More

When your best friend from middle school admits his undying love for you on your birthday-anniversary of your dead cat … More

Fuck me right?

“How am I being passive aggressive?” She asked passive aggressively.