People are like snakes. So I don’t undestand them. And sometimes they bite. …yes I do Advertisements
Him: Do you want to go out with me? Her: Does it involve pasta? Him: It does now.
“Do you even third person bro?,” They said. “Ustedes.”
[Looks down at sleeveless shirt]
“Well, girl, it appears your clothes are getting holes in them again.”
“You’ve had that shirt for twelve years.”
(Defensively) “I know how getting holes works.”
How do you spell hffffffffffffycydtc jfdtffjjjjfrhdtsington?
Everyone: How’s adult life going? Me: I just vacuumed up a sock
My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, do you have a permit for that? And … More
Friends on Facebook be like: “Bought a house!” “Had a kid!” “Investment banking!” And I’m like: “At ten am I … More
I’m pansexual. No it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to pans. Okay maybe a little.
Literally anything: Here’s some advice
Me: Okay you only have to run a lap *Runs two miles* Me: Okay you have to run three miles … More
“That’s not a real gender.” “You’re not a real gender.”
An isopholies triangle and the conservation of mass walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke I’m just free associating.
Society: You can either be a boy or a girl Me: I’m going to wear this bubble wrap as a … More
Fuck me right?
“What the fuck are you talking about?” “I don’t know. This just a thing that happens sometimes.”
I used to have to walk ten miles up hill to tell this story
There are two kinds of people. Yes.