People are like snakes. So I don’t undestand them. And sometimes they bite. …yes I do Advertisements

Third Person

“Do you even third person bro?,” They said. “Ustedes.”


[Looks down at sleeveless shirt]


“Well, girl, it appears your clothes are getting holes in them again.”

“You’ve had that shirt for twelve years.”

(Defensively) “I know how getting holes works.”

How do you spell hffffffffffffycydtc jfdtffjjjjfrhdtsington?

Everyone: How’s adult life going? Me: I just vacuumed up a sock

My milkshakes brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, do you have a permit for that? And … More

Friends on Facebook be like: “Bought a house!” “Had a kid!” “Investment banking!” And I’m like: “At ten am I … More

I’m pansexual. No it doesn’t mean I’m attracted to pans. Okay maybe a little.

Literally anything: Here’s some advice

“That’s not a real gender.” “You’re not a real gender.”

An isopholies triangle and the conservation of mass walk into a bar. This isn’t a joke I’m just free associating.

Society: You can either be a boy or a girl Me: I’m going to wear this bubble wrap as a … More

Fuck me right?

Open My Mouth Like

“What the fuck are you talking about?” “I don’t know. This just a thing that happens sometimes.”

I used to have to walk ten miles up hill to tell this story